Where Did The Sex Go?

For many marriages as the years of marriage increase, the frequency of sex decreases.  Why is that?  There are a few valid reasons and then there are plenty of excuses.  Statistics show that women tend to lose interest in sex more than men.  But after doing some reading and plenty of research I have come to my own conclusion on why this lack of sex exists and I have also come up with some possible solutions. 

Let’s first take a look at some of the excuses…

We have kids now…

I hear many people say that the fact that here are kids in the house places limitations on sexual frequency.  This is the worse excuse I have ever heard.  I do understand kids in the house can limit some of the places and ways you have sex.  It may not be smart to have sex bent over the kitchen counter or sitting on the washing machine while on spin cycle.  Even thought this type of excitement may be the spark your sex life needs, let’s not start there just yet.  We’ll discuss bringing back some excitement later.  If your children are sleeping in your bed with you EVERY night, then there are really some things that need to change.  The bedroom of a married couple is a place where the two should be able to retreat to at any time.  The bedroom is a sacred place just for them.  It should not be a room where others are entertained or a hang out for anyone else in the house.  This is not to say no one is allowed in your bedroom, but it should only be a meeting place for the husband and wife. 

This one thing alone can have a major impact on improving their sex life.  Having a closed door policy for the parents bedroom is taken for granted.  If you are limiting your sexual activity because your bedroom has a revolving door and you allow anyone to come in at any time, then you are proactively putting a strain on your marriage.  Why would anyone want to proactively put a strain on their marriage?  Every married couple needs a place (in their home) where they can go to be alone at any time, day or night.  I know when you have kids, that time does become limited.  I (being a father of five) completely understand how difficult it is to find time alone especially when the kids are really young.  This doesn’t mean it’s impossible.  If you really have the desire to improve your sex life then you find ways.  It’s only when you have no real desire to improve your sex life that you make “children” an excuse for a terrible sex life.

I’m too tired…

Okay… This excuse can only be used once a month.  In my research I have found the “I’m too tired” as one of the major excuses used to put off sex.  It drives men crazy.  I even tried using it once…  It didn’t work.  We don’t use this excuse much because for men, turning down sex is like turning down money.  So when I tried to use that excuse on my wife, she just looked at me like “yeah right” and proceeded to do what she had intended to do anyway.  “I’m too tired” is usually a cover up for the real reason you don’t want to have sex.  If you’re upset because your husband didn’t take out the trash, then say, “No, you can’t get any because you didn’t take the trash out today. Now it will sit in the backyard in the heat and have the whole yard smelling like hot egg salad and toxic waste.”  At least this way if he knows why you are holding back he will understand why. 

As you already know, communication is a major factor in a healthy relationship.  Communication ties into sex because if you don’t want to have sex with your spouse and you are making up excuses to not have sex, then you are not communicating the truth. Now two major marriage factors are being violated.  Sex is very important in a marriage.  If you are having sex once a day, once a week or once a month, it is fine if the frequency is agreed on by both of you.  If you are having sex once a month, don’t assume that your spouse is fine with that.  Just because he/she hasn’t openly complained to you about it, doesn’t mean they are fine with it.  Communicate about sex. This may be tough for some, but it shouldn’t be if you are married.  Communication is the key that drives a marriage and you should be able to talk about anything.

What are the real reasons my marriage lacks in the sex department?

Men and women are different in so many ways.  We even view sex differently.  Now I can’t speak for every man or every woman but the majority of married couples suffer in the sex department due to their different views.  Women view sex as a passionate way to show how much she cares for her husband.  She wants to be caressed.  She wants her husband to put feeling into it.  She wants to be touched in the right places.  She wants to feel special.  For men, we just want to get to that explosive point and we are usually good.  It doesn’t matter usually how we get to it, just get us there.  This is what causes the majority of problems in the bedroom.  The fact that women and men don’t understand each other in the bedroom is why men hear “I am too tired” so often. 

That’s basically it.  It may seem like there is more to why there is a lack of sex in your marriage, but if you really step back and take an honest look at what goes on in your bed, the sexual issues revolve around the differences between men and women when it comes to sex.  Some people (mostly women) feel they are not sexy anymore so they shy away from sex, but that even goes back to the husband not making his wife feel special.

So what’s the solution?

The solution is balance and variety.  Let us start by creating a balance. 

For the guys

You must realize that your wife is an emotional being and one wrong move before, during, or even after sex can ruin it.  She WILL shut down if you don’t treat her right.  So here is what needs to be done.  You need to find out what your wife likes.  Find out where she likes to be touched.  Does she like to be massaged?  Does she like her hair stroked?  These are all things you are going to have to find out.  I suggest you DON’T find out by asking.  You are going to have to pull out the man skills for this one.  If you don’t know what your wife likes or what turns her on, you are going to have to put work in.  Here is what you do…  Most women love a good massage.  Start with that.  Get her relaxed.  Gently stroke her hair.  Start with her shoulders and gently touch every part of her body until you work your way down to her feet.  Her body language will tell you when you are where you need to be.  Most women have one main spot that gets them in the mood with another one or two secondary spots that serve as those pressure points.  It may take a little while to find these spots, but be patience and gentle and you will find them.

Once you have found them, work them, but don’t over work them.  You have to tease a little, hold back some.  Make her want more.  You definitely don’t want to overdo it. At this point you don’t even want to think about being pleased.  You want to focus all of your attention on pleasing your wife.  So just hang in there because you will get yours too.  If you are having trouble thinking of ways to please your wife there is a book I suggest called 500 Lovemaking Tips and Secrets.  I strongly suggest that book for all couples.  Plenty of great information is there for even those that have no problems in the bedroom.  Click on the link to order yours today.  You’ll be glad you did. 

Now that you have her in the mood, it’s time to make it happen.  Now if you need to ask what “it” is, then you may need more than a blog and a book to help you.  Now that you are at the point where you’re making it happen, you can’t let up or slack here.  Be all you can be.  If you have to drink a Red Bull or two and grow wings, then you do what you gotta do.  The goal that you are trying to achieve is to have her at work the next day with her mind COMPLETEY on you.  She should be daydreaming about you all day.  This is what should happen when she comes home: 

You:  Hey honey, how was your day?

Her:  It was weird.  I was making copies like I do everyday and all of a sudden, it just started spitting out papers.  I don’t know what I did wrong.

You: Wow!

Her:  And then I was sitting at my desk and my mind must have been wondering because it seems like I didn’t get any work done today.

You:  Is that right?

You know where her mind was. You made that happen.  Be proud of yourself.  It is a GREAT feeling to know that your wife is lusting for you.  As long as you stay consistent with what you have learned, your wife will surely be happy to return the favor all while rekindling your sex life.  Don’t let this opportunity slip away.  Take advantage of every opportunity.  A good sex-life can lead to building a stronger relationship between a husband and wife.

For the Ladies

You must understand what your man wants when it comes to sex.  Just as a man should understand a woman’s needs, you also need to understand his needs.  He may not need to be caressed or have his hair stroked, but he does need to feel special.  Most men have some sort of fetish.  If you know or can find out what your husband’s fetish, then you are halfway to rekindling your sex-life.  If you don’t know what your husband’s fetish is there are a couple of ways to find out.  First, you can pay attention to what he watches on TV or what kind of women does he looks at.  You see… us men can’t hide what turns us on.  I know it may make you upset of frustrated to know that your husband is looking at another woman, but you can actually use that to your advantage.  If you can look past the fact that he is looking at other women and find out what he looks at.  If it’s specific body parts, or a certain physical build, you can use this information gathered and recreate his fantasy. 

If you can’t gather information you need from what he watches on TV, then there is always another surefire technique.  Ask him.  Men differ so much from women when it comes to finding out what turns them on.  Women want us to figure it out.  Men we don’t care how you find out what we like.  We just want you to know. 

The most effective way may be a little controversial.  Before I mention it, I want to inform you that I am in NO WAY promoting this behavior.  I am simply trying to convert a negative into a positive.  Many men watch porn.  Porn is a surefire way to find out what your husband likes.  I know this may enrage you, but I want you to step back take a deep breath and take heed to what I am about to tell you.  A man that watches porn is trying to fulfill his fantasies with women that do what may seem to be unrealistic sexual acts.  As horrific as this may sound, if your husband watches porn and if you really want him to stop or if you simply just want to rekindle you sex-life, then you have to invite yourself to watch something with him.  Before you completely turn your nose up at this, hear me out.  Ask your husband if you can watch one of his favorite videos with him.  He will be surprised, but he will also be curious.  Make sure he chooses.  Try to watch a couple different videos with him.  Watch them with an open mind.  Look past the obscenities and look for a common theme in the videos he chooses.  You will eventually see what it is that arouses him. 

Now here is where it may get difficult.  You have to learn what he likes, become an expert at doing what he likes and most importantly like it as much as he does.  It is very important to like what he likes.  If there is something that your husband likes sexually and you do it for him but you are hesitant in doing it, it can cause a lot of stress in the bedroom.  He will know if you are into it or not.  The last thing he wants is for his wife to be uncomfortable pleasing him. He would rather watch porn.  There is no problem with YOU becoming your husband’s personal porn star.  For a married couple, there are no holds bared when it comes to sex.  Doing anything and everything for your husband is actually an ego booster for both you and your husband.  You husband will have his ego boosted because he knows that there is nothing that his wife won’t do to please him.  It will also be an ego booster for you because you know that you can do whatever he likes and bring more excitement to your sex-life. 

If you feel that you are a little overwhelmed by all of this, I strongly suggest that you purchase a book that can help you called The Woman That Men Adore… and Never Want To Leave.  The title of this book tells it all.  As stated earlier, a great sex-life can be the catalyst in building a stronger marriage.

Thanks for reading

DJR